


My Seal-ial Killer Boyfriend

by HazelBeka



Series: 101 Uses for a Barrier Seal [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, M/M, Murder Mystery, Parody, gratuitous tropes, seals master Iruka, serial killer iruka, this is the worst Tenzou I’ve ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23502445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelBeka/pseuds/HazelBeka
Summary: A serial killer is picking off disrespectful jounin. His weapon? A barrier seal.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Series: 101 Uses for a Barrier Seal [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/373676
Comments: 62
Kudos: 478





	My Seal-ial Killer Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Bleed Out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5036728) by [HazelBeka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelBeka/pseuds/HazelBeka). 



> This is a parody of my other fic 'Bleed Out' but you don't need to have read that to read this. Some of the references might seem a bit odd but hopefully it'll still be amusing.

Kakashi found out about the second murder shortly after the nomination ceremony for the chuunin exams. He was still rattled from his argument with Iruka, so it took him longer than normal to pick up on the mood in the Hokage Tower, but when he noticed the whispering and the frowns, it didn’t take him long to find someone who knew what was going on.

He hung around the stairwell that led to the ANBU offices until someone took pity on him and fetched Tenzou.

“What the hell’s going on?” Kakashi asked. “They’re saying another jounin’s been killed.”

Tenzou nodded grimly. “Not just a jounin this time. An ANBU.”

Kakashi sucked in a breath. “Do you think the same person killed them both?”

“It looks that way. They both died from a large internal wound in the abdomen. Both victims bled out. But we’re not sure what kind of weapon was used. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Why do you think they were targeted? I mean,” Kakashi added, “I’d never ask you for details about your investigation, but should I be worried?”

“I’m sure it’s fine if I tell you,” Tenzou said. “Not that I know much. But we think it has something to do with seals.”

“With seals?”

“We found some weird barrier seals at both crime scenes. Something new, something the seals expert I showed them to had never seen before. She said someone might be testing out illegal research, so I’m following up a few leads.”

“You know, Iruka’s good with seals,” Kakashi said. “I could show him the one you found if you like and ask if he knows what’s so special about it.”

“That would be great,” Tenzou said, pulling a blood-stained seal out of his pocket and handing it over. “This is evidence, but I’m sure I can trust you with it. It’s really kind of you to help out. I appreciate it.”

Kakashi folded the seal carefully and slipped it into his pocket, then decided he might as well head straight over to Iruka’s flat. He needed to apologise for their argument anyway. In retrospect, picking a fight with his boyfriend in front of the hokage and a bunch of jounin probably wasn’t the best way to get laid. He may have won the battle, but he’d lose the war if he ended up sleeping on the couch.

He half expected Iruka to be out when he knocked, but after a beat of silence, the door opened. Iruka looked tired and irritable, but that had been the norm since he’d been drafted in to help out with the chuunin exams on top of his teaching, mission desk work and seals research. Another reason why a public argument was the last thing either of them needed right now. Iruka was a man on the edge.

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said without preamble. “I was really disrespectful to you earlier and I wanted to apologise. Can I come in?”

Iruka scrutinised him for a moment and then sighed and stepped back to let him past.

“Well since you’re here I guess you might as well. I was about to make some tea – do you want a cup?”

Kakashi’s shoulders relaxed. Iruka didn’t sound mad at him.

“Sure, thanks.”

Iruka left him to slip off his shoes and went into the kitchen. As Kakashi headed for the lounge, he noticed that Iruka’s bedroom door, usually shut, was open, and he glanced inside as he passed. On the bedside table, he could see several pieces of chakra paper with seals inked on them in Iruka’s neat calligraphy. He hesitated. It wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed in Iruka’s room – he’d spent plenty of nights in there – so when curiosity overcame him, he didn’t try too hard to resist. He stepped inside and crossed the room, picking up one of the seals.

It was familiar. Some kind of barrier seal, he could tell that even with his rudimentary knowledge of seals, but not the usual kind they sold in bulk at the shinobi supply store. This was some kind of Iruka special. So why did he have a creeping feeling of unease?

Slowly, Kakashi drew out the bloody seal that Tenzou had given him and held the two up to compare them. They were an exact match. He felt a chill as he realised what that meant.

A movement in the doorway caught his eye and he whirled around to find Iruka standing there, watching him.

“So you finally figured it out,” Iruka said. “That’s right, Kakashi. It was me. I’m the serial killer.”

This dramatic statement was tempered by the fact that Iruka had come bearing two mugs of tea. He came into the room and handed one to Kakashi, polite even in the midst of his dark confession. Kakashi pulled his mask down and took a sip.

“But why?” he asked. “What did either of the victims do to you?”

Iruka scowled. “They were both so…disrespectful. Looking down on me just because I was a chuunin. I’ve had it up to _here_ with that kind of attitude.”

Kakashi could sympathise with that. There were some very rude jounin in the village, and he’d had words with a few of them himself when they’d overstepped the line in his presence, but he’d found that a few sharp words usually did the trick. Murder was a little extreme.

“Do you really think murder was the best way to handle this?” Kakashi asked. “I mean, couldn’t you have just yelled at them like you usually do?”

Iruka sipped his tea angrily.

“I tried that,” he said. “It didn’t work.”

Kakashi was amazed. There were very few people who Iruka couldn’t yell into submission. It certainly had an effect on Kakashi, though not quite the one Iruka intended because Kakashi secretly found Iruka’s temper extremely sexy. The flirtation leading up to their relationship had involved a lot of terrible mission reports and raised voices. At least, Kakashi had considered it a flirtation. Iruka had used other words to describe it, but he’d still accepted when Kakashi had asked him on that first date, so it had worked out for him in the end.

“So what exactly did these guys do to drive you to kill them?” Kakashi asked, wrenching his thoughts back from those heady days of seduction to the matter of the two men his boyfriend had killed.

Iruka drew himself up indignantly, his face flushed an attractive shade of pink, and Kakashi tried to focus.

“Well the first man, the Hyuuga, probably attacked me this one time four years ago.”

“Probably?” Kakashi asked.

“No one ever proved it _wasn’t_ him,” Iruka said.

Well, that was good enough for Kakashi. He moved on.

“And the second guy? He was an ANBU, Iruka! You know, the people who protect our village and uphold law and order.” He paused, remembering some of his own missions as ANBU. “Most of the time.”

“He was ex-ANBU,” Iruka corrected him. “He was invalided out after he was blinded on a mission.”

Kakashi spluttered. “You think that makes it better?”

“Oh, he was worse than the Hyuuga. I did Konoha a favour.”

“ _He was blind_.”

“Trust me,” Iruka said darkly, “it’s a good thing I nipped that one in the bud.”

Kakashi couldn’t imagine what that meant, but he didn’t get a chance to ask because Iruka was still talking. Now he’d started confessing, he didn’t seem to want to stop. Committing serial murder was the kind of thing you needed to get off your chest, Kakashi considered, but it was probably difficult to find someone who’d stop screaming for long enough to listen

“There was another ANBU I thought about killing,” Iruka said. “For no reason, really. At that point, I think I’d developed a taste for death.”

“Concerning,” Kakashi said. “But carry on.”

“I picked him because he had a stupid code name,” Iruka said. “And a terrible work ethic. I managed to befriend him and tried to lure him into meeting me at this creepy abandoned hospital that conveniently exists in the most isolated part of the village. But we had this huge miscommunication about a shift he did or didn’t work, and whether he overslept or not one morning, and it was a real hassle. In the end I just gave up. Honestly, I’d have to be _really_ motivated to bother killing that guy.”

“Lucky for him,” Kakashi said. He took another sip of tea and looked down again at the seals he was still holding. “How did you kill them anyway? I didn’t think it was possible to kill someone with a barrier seal.”

Iruka looked thrilled to be asked.

“Allow me to explain,” he said, pointing proudly to the bloodstained seal. “You see, these lines here…”

Kakashi had been in this relationship for long enough to spot a lecture when it was incoming, and he hastily interrupted before Iruka could get going. When it came to seals, his boyfriend was a little overenthusiastic, and Kakashi could only listen to so many technical details before his brain started spilling out of his ears.

“Could we maybe skip over the details this once?”

Iruka pouted. “But the science behind the seals is the best bit!”

“I know,” Kakashi soothed. “Your enthusiasm is very endearing and I’m sure the research was fascinating, but I’m more concerned with how you managed to eviscerate two people from the inside out.”

“Well, all right,” Iruka sighed. “You see, a barrier seal usually appears around a person to protect them from harm. But I decided to create a barrier that instead can be materialised _inside_ the human body, causing rupturing and internal bleeding. The victims bleed out in minutes in the most terrible agony.”

Kakashi took a moment to picture that. He was equal parts terrified and impressed.

“That’s a lot of effort to put into murdering someone,” he said. “Couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, stabbed them or something? Pricked them with a poisoned senbon? Something more…normal?”

Iruka shrugged. “I really like barrier seals.”

Kakashi couldn’t argue that point so he didn’t even try.

“Surely you knew someone would connect the dots eventually,” he said. “It was only a matter of time before ANBU realised that you’re the only person in this village who’d even consider using barrier seals as a weapon. Barrier seals are kind of your thing, after all.”

Iruka nodded solemnly. “I did consider making an elaborate plan to frame my childhood best friend by making it look like he was framing someone else. But in the end I ditched it because it was so over-complicated. Who has enough free time to come up with evil plots in this economy anyway? I work two jobs! I had to fit the murders in between shifts as it was.”

Kakashi patted his shoulder in consolation.

“Why would you frame your best friend anyway?” he asked.

Iruka shrugged.

“I had to frame _someone_. And at this point, why the hell not?”

It suddenly occurred to Kakashi that this was a lot of incriminating information that Iruka was casually sharing with him. 

“Why are you telling me all this?” he asked.

“You know, I’m not sure,” Iruka said. “Recently I’ve been feeling this really strong urge to just sit someone down and have a good chat about my crimes.”

“It is traditional to deliver a villain monologue to your final victim,” Kakashi agreed. Then he paused. “Wait.”

There was an awkward silence. Iruka had the decency to blush.

“Iruka, I’m shocked,” Kakashi said. “You had plans to murder _me_?”

“You were really rude to me earlier,” Iruka said defensively. “And I didn’t actually kill you. I just thought about it. A lot. I can tell you the details if you’d like.”

“No thanks,” Kakashi said, holding up a hand to stop him. “I think I’ve heard enough.”

Iruka was looking nervous now.

“So what are you going to do? Are you going to tell ANBU about me?”

“I _should_ turn you in,” Kakashi said. “But then they’d throw you in jail and we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a very long time. They probably wouldn’t even let me visit you, and what kind of relationship would it be if we weren’t even allowed in the same room together?”

Iruka sat beside him on the bed and rested a tentative hand on Kakashi’s knee.

“So you still want to be with me? Even though I brutally killed two people?”

“Honestly,” Kakashi admitted, “I find the thought of you murdering people extremely attractive.”

Iruka brightened.

“That’s weird,” he said. “But it works for me.”

“I should probably get some therapy. This isn’t normal at all.”

“Does this mean I can kill again?”

Kakashi hesitated. Tenzou would be so sarcastic if he ever found out that Kakashi had dated a murderer. But on the other hand, Iruka was hot. Especially when he was misusing barrier seals. God, how many strange fetishes did he even have?

He managed to repress that self-reflection for now and focus on the practical issues at hand.

“First we need to throw ANBU off your trail,” he said. “Tell me more about this elaborate scheme to frame your childhood best friend.”

Iruka grinned.

“His name is Mizuki…”

**Author's Note:**

> So after noticing that Iruka has racked up quite the body count in this series, it occurred to me that at this point he's basically a serial killer who seduces Kakashi by murdering people. Naturally I wanted to write a fic about that, and then I remembered that I already have a serial killer fic so I took the opportunity to be lazy and steal the plot from it. And also to poke a little fun at myself in the process.


End file.
